Nanny Life VS Motherhood

This is a blog I have been working on for several months. I have decided to just post it and move on.. How Nanny Life is different from Motherhood?  This has been a common question.. A little history for those who don’t know I spent many years as a nanny the last few years working with newborns (several sets of triplets) and as night time nanny.   I have read lots of books and newborns didn’t scare me. However, I was not a fool to think my own experience would be a walk in the park.

The reason I left the nanny world was because I was noticing it was harder to detach. I was not these babies mamma. I was a caregiver. I felt chosen and important because these families trusted me. I worked with 5 triplet families and one little boy stole my heart and made me realize this job was rewarding but I couldn’t keep walking away. His family knew we had a special bond. Thanks to facebook memories and timehop I get the honor to remember these children influence every day. So here are some differences..

-Most all my babies were formula fed babies. If I was called in to help things were serious. Breastfeeding is exhausting. One of my mom’s “B” tried to breastfeed but with triplets we mix the milk with formula.

-Pumping. I did not understand how time consuming and exhausting it could be.

-Difference in poopy diapers. There is a big difference in formula fed and breastfeeding. I don’t remember as many formula diapers in the middle of the night.

-Developmentally. Charlie was full term (40 weeks) – Most of my babies were not were full term and so they were little but, many times they were in the hospital 4 weeks + before I started taking care of them. It’s different. I spent Charlie’s 4^th and 5^th day just working on him eating- babies in the hospital came home eating. Charlie did not.

-Middle of the night feedings were my absolute favorite with one set of boys. Sometimes at night their dad would join me. It was peaceful and such a special bonding time. I remember for years feeling guilty that moms were missing out and I had stolen this precious time. As a new mom, middle of the night is exhausting and I am not bonding like I did with others. Let’s face it- I am tired and have been going all day. As a nanny I went home and slept during the day.

-Bathtime. Charlie doesn’t love bath time. Most of the kids I worked with loved bath time or so I remember. I wonder if I haven’t given him enough time to love it. (note-he loves bath time now!)

-Detachment. As a nanny I had a job. To nurture and love the baby (or babies) and to meet goals- such as sleeping through the night, weight gain, family support et el. While my heart was there- there was a methodical process to it all. Looking back I can admit that.

-Taking triplets anywhere was a major chore and very planned out. From the get go- I had multiple doctor’s appointments and quickly, our life had to go on. Charlie was out and about more than any child I ever cared for.

1 baby vs babies-- Charlie doesn’t have to wait or share my attention with another newborn.

Strength- During pregnancy you are treated like you are disabled. Heck, by week 7 of pregnancy walking stairs raised my blood pressure. Then you have this baby and you sleep less and suddenly you are carrying around this (heavy) carrier and bending over to pick the baby all the time. And while people dote on you during pregnancy – post pregnancy it’s all about the baby and you have to suck it up buttercup. As a nanny you never lose your strength.

And Post-partum Recovery- to be honest I may never heal from giving birth/c section recovery. My hips are wider-my brain is mush. I think about my lil boy often. When I see him after nap or after running errands he smiles so big- I am his mamma and my heart is over joyed with that title. 

October: month 2-Pregnancy is scary.

Jan. 19, 2016

I have not went public with any of my pregnancy blog yet. But on Sunday at church I felt led to make this one public even though it's not well written and choppy. So bear with me. The topic of Sunday's sermon was The Promise of the Holy Spirit. Everyone intererupts the holy spirit differently- to me it's the way Jesus lives in my heart. The verses our pastor used was  John 14:25-31 and John 20: 19-23 which is the same verses that helped me get through a rather scary time recently. I encourage you to read them.

 So here is my story of my encounter of the Holy Spirit (aka Jesus  leading me) and Pregnancy

The first week of October I went to visit friends in Illinois. I was just starting my 6th week of pregnancy. My college roommate lives 2 hours south of Chicago in Champaign-Urbana and my dear friend Sonya who was celebrating her 40th birthday that weekend lives in Rockford about an hour north of Chicago. In my mind it was the perfect extended weekend trip. From the beginning of pregnancy --I felt good. No real morning sickness just tiredness.  In my mind pregnancy was not really real because I wasn't sick aka throwing up so I called it my pretend/phantom pregnancy. Pregnancy can cause a person to have a lot of anxiety and fears. You are basically in charge of raising this thing called a baby but, you have no control over it happening.. Back to my story- I left Sara's on Friday afternoon to head to Rockford. It was about a 3 hour drive. I stopped to stretch in Bloomington. I walked around a few stores and came back to the car, sat down and began to bleed profusely. I knew from my other friends experience(s) what was happening. I was miscarrying. I went to Starbucks to change clothes and get a game plan. I dreaded calling my husband. Since we met he was game on for having another child. In that moment I felt like a failure. I text my friend Sonya and asked for hospital advice and called John. We decided I should get checked out since I still had a 2 hour drive. Plus I was not in pain just bleeding a lot. I knew from friends experiences there would be pain and possible surgery with miscarrying and I needed to see a doctor. So at 5:30 in the afternoon on a Friday, I walked into St. Josephs Medical Center. I was not strong. I was scared, alone and emotional. The lady at ER admissions was a saint. She put me in a private room immediately with a recliner and tissues. I prayed God- you know this baby and I trust you. Though if I was being honest Satan was in full attack. Maybe this is happening because of past sins. I know those things were not true but in my vulnerable state- it seemed reasonable. Maybe I am too old to have a healthy baby. (It was at this hospital I learned the term "geriatric pregnancy") Maybe this. Maybe that. Maybe everything.  At some point I finally quit bleeding and was moved to an actual ER room and saw a doctor. We all agreed that I was more than likely miscarrying and we needed to make a game plan but, first we had to do some of tests to confirm. I said well if it wont hurt anything- I need a Dr. Pepper to get through this. The doctor said the dr. pepper wouldn't hurt anything. I decided if John could not be there I didn't want anyone else there. At this time, only a handful of people even knew I was actually pregnant.  So, I texted my staff and asked for prayer since some of them were at a retreat. I also knew they would not ask questions.  I laid there trying to understand what was happening. Test 1 came back and I was still pregnant. There was hope. I didn't expect that but, I knew that sometimes doctors gave you false hope in the middle of miscarrying..  I didn't want false hope. I wanted facts and reality.  I laid there eyes closed and suddenly heard a choir singing:

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well with my soul.

1. Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
   Let this blest assurance control,
   That Christ hath regarded my helpless estate,
   And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
2. I sat up and look around as the choir continued and thought this experience is totally out of my control. God, I am not begging you to save this child however, please keep Satan out of my head and this room. 
3. My sin—oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!—
   My sin, not in part but the whole,
   Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
   Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

 This child is not mine/ours but yours..  and the song continues.. and the tears start coming again.. I prayed please give my husband this peace you are giving me..  tears of peace continued while the choir continued.... I also realized that this pregnancy is real and I love this little bean growing inside me. Something I need to realize at that moment. 

1. For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
   If Jordan above me shall roll,
   No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
   Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.
2. But, Lord, ’tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
   The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
   Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
   Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul!
3. And Lord, haste the day when the faith shall be sight,
   The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
   The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
   Even so, it is well with my soul.

I laid there when the next song began I Surrender All.. Okay God, I hear you. You are in control. I trust you. I now understand why people name their babies Faith, Hope, Miracle, Blessing et el..

The doctor returns and I ask - So, is there a choir or am I having an out of body spiritual experience.. He says smiling there is a choir here. And you have not miscarried and your blood Test showed your HCG levels very high.We need to see the baby with an ultrasound. So hours later-- I lay there with a lady who does not really give me comfort but, I know God is here.. I can tell there is not a heartbeat. (anxiety) I can tell there is a baby though. (peace) Not much more than that. (more anxiety) Some time later the ER doctor - important to note that because a OB/GYN would have been more helpful- says well, I don't know what's going exactly. But, you are not miscarrying and your baby measures at 6 weeks 1 day.   How far along are you? I said 6 weeks 1 day. (more peace) God your sense of humor isn't lost on me. -- 

The doctor felt confident I could be discharge to a local hotel and get some rest and continue my journey. We later found out later that I had a Subchorionic bleeding (also known as a subchorionic hematoma). It healing on it's own. However, what I read online about it doesn't match my experience. (cue the anxiety) But again the Holy Spirit must have needed my attention. So today Charlie is now almost 22 weeks in the belly. He is active and healthy. I've learned that heartbeats are not always present at 6 weeks. It was a long 3 weeks till I finally heard the heart beat. And I still struggle with anxiety some days.  And I know God has forgiven me for my sins and isn't threatening to harm the baby for my wrong doings. And The Promise of Holy Spirit lives with me. The verses in John 14 say:

15 “If you love me, keep my commands. 16 And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another advocate to help you and be with you forever— 17 the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you. 18 I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. 19 Before long, the world will not see me anymore, but you will see me. Because I live, you also will live. 20 On that day you will realize that I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you. 21 Whoever has my commands and keeps them is the one who loves me.The one who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love them and show myself to them.”

This pregnancy also has taught me about faith.. faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. While I haven't seen or touched him- I am certain the baby is there.. And whatever happens - John and I trust God to keep him safe. I have a feeling God is not done teaching me this lesson. I hope I can listen to these songs and verses and not be emotional in the future- but for now the pregnancy hormones / tears are out of control. 

Repairing our World..

Rhonda and her Tikkun Olam Award

Over the weekend, I was a recipient of the Jane B. Mendel Tikkun Olam Award from the Jewish Federation of Arkansas. The Tikkun Olam Award recognized my volunteer work with Ati’Day Yisroel Early Childhood Center. A popular question among friends has been – how did you get involved? Moreover, you can be awarded and not be Jewish? And what does Tikkun Olam mean?

I moved to Little Rock 6 years ago this week to begin my work with Vic, Betsy  and the boys. Sometime later that year I met Julie and Phil Elson right after they had their first child (you know Phil because he is the play by play voice for Razorback Baseball). Julie and I quickly became friends. A few years later, Julie introduced me to Ati’Day Yisroel Early Childhood Center.   Ati’ Day Yisroel Early Childhood Center was more of a

Rhonda and Julie

preschool than a childhood center. since I join the board we now accept infants. Somehow, I ended up joining the board in 2012 as someone who could bring “expertise” from working in the industry at AfterCare Express at Lakewood UMC.  It was a good fit- I had experience working in nonprofit religious childcare programming. In 2014, I was asked to take on the role as Director of Education. I feel that I can offer some solid advice to the board and assist the director as needed(Amy). People assume daycares are moneymakers and simple to manage. Friends and readers of this blog, daycares (especially infant – preschool settings) are a lot of work and I respect anyone who is directing or working in childcare. It's work! I have the privilege to work in a setting that is afterschool programming and it’s the perfect fit for me.  Since the Arkansas Jewish community is small in numbers the daycare and the board they allow us Gentiles (non Jew) to attend the daycare and serve on the board.  

I am so thankful that my parents instilled in me the importance of respecting diversity and culture. According to my research there are about 1700 Jewish people living in Arkansas. I think about 300 were in attendance on Saturday night at the Feasting and Festivities event at the Arkansas Arts Center.  You might remember Bill Clinton  was honored in 2012.

Board President and I
Red Heads Rock!

This year they honored Justice Annabelle Imber Tuck. Justice Tuck (She served on the Arkansas Supreme Court) is also an active community advocate and I find it a real honor to be awarded alongside with her.

Tikkun Olam- Hebrew phrase that means "repairing the world" (or "healing the world") which suggests humanity's shared responsibility to heal, repair and transform the world.

I am very thankful for the talents and gifts that God gave me. I believe that when you are working within your talents and gifts then you have the ability to be performing at your best. I am also thankful my husband allows to to be involved in charity work and he is willing to pick the slack at home!  I know there are lots of

John and Rhonda before the event

people I am surrounded by each day who are making a difference in the world without receiving credit. People assume you have to travel the world to help others when in fact there is ways to volunteer right around you. I am very grateful and humbled that the Ati` Day Board nominated me for this honor and I am proud to be a honorary jew. 

I also thought this was thought provoking:

In The Essence of the Heart Sutra, His Holiness the Dalai Lama wrote,

“Genuine compassion must have both wisdom and lovingkindness. That is to say, one must understand the nature of the suffering from which we wish to free others (this is wisdom), and one must experience deep intimacy and empathy with other sentient beings (this is lovingkindness).

In other words, when we truly see our own suffering, we can see the suffering of others more clearly, and that leads us to be compassionate.  When we reach out to others, we often alleviate our own suffering when we create a deep empathic bond.

This doesn’t always happen when we think we’re being compassionate.  Sometimes, we’re just going through the motions, we’re doing our best with at a job that involves helping others, but we may be stressed-out or overwhelmed.  When that happens, we don’t have the wisdom to see our own suffering, let alone someone else’s.  That may be a time when we need to look at ourselves and our own spiritual practice to see what is supporting us.  What is nurturing us? We need to have empathy for ourselves when we are burned out.  How can we repair the world if we ourselves are broken?

Tikkun Olam- repairing the world, starts with healing ourselves. And sometimes healing ourselves starts with reaching out to someone else.

Why our family feels the Community First Choice is so very important

Tomorrow, I return to the Capitol for very personal reasons. I didn’t get involved last session when they were discussing CFCO. I mean I did make some statement on Facebook but, like all the legislators were reading my Facebook- plus I have said if you feel strongly about something send an email or pick up the phone or get involved. DO SOMETHING. So tomorrow, I am going to the capitol with my friend Ruth to take a stand for my family. I wanted to share with you so that if you feel so inclined you could email or tell your legislators to please vote yes. I think anytime you are going to share your story- while it’s important to have some rawness – you should also be prepared. So I am sharing with my blogging community.

We are on the infamous waiver waiting list we are #1230 (I think). We have been on the waitlist since 2008- (yes, it predates me meeting my family-if you haven't read my blog on our adoption click here). I think I will call tomorrow and ask so I can tell everyone our exact #. I am sassy like that. Anyways, to all my friends who have no idea what the hell I am talking about: Community First Choice Option (CFCO) would help thousands (approximately 3,000) of people (including my Lauren) with disabilities (like autism) in Arkansas access home & community-based supports. Here is what I found online (You can click here to read more):  The Affordable Care Act establishes Community First Choice (CFC) under Section 1915(k) of the Social Security Act as a new Medicaid state plan option that allows states to provide statewide home and community-based attendant services and supports to individuals who would otherwise require an institutional level of care. CFCO is an opportunity for Arkansas to take advantage of enhanced federal funding for community-based services for the elderly and people with disabilities.  It will allow them to receive the services they need to stay in their own homes, rather than be required to go to an institution or nursing home.

I’m going to make this real for you right now: Our family could no longer take care of Maddie so we had to the heart wrenching decision to place her in a nursing home. If we would have had the Community First Option we would have care in our home to help with Maddie. But, we didn’t and God has literally carried us through this process. My husband and I are blessed to work somewhere that supports us taking care of our kids. I had to take a lot of time off work to care for my kids. Most folks are not that lucky. Honestly if Maddie was home- I would have had to stay home. My job allows me to work around “Lauren’s” schedule in the summer- again we have very limited options for summer care. We do A-Camp from 8:30-11:30 in the summer 4 days a week. So, we leave Cabot at 7:50 arrive at Camp Aldersgate around 8:30 then I go to work in NLR till 11 then I drive back to pick up Lauren. Yeah, I am lucky my job allows me to be flexible. I also know that I am limited on jobs that would be that flexible. My husband leaves early each day so he can be home to get Lauren off the bus at 3:30. There is barely enough options/funding to provide afterschool care for all the "regular" children much less for a child as a severe as Lauren. I know I have rambled about a very small piece of why Community First Choice is important to us- thank you for listening. I won’t share our struggles with insurance for Lauren to receive speech therapy, have I mention that she is nonverbal?   There are number of reasons how CFC would provide a better life for families like ours.

John and I do “fear” of what life for Lauren will look like as adult. It’s going to be different and I hope people still care about her. I have the same hope that my friends and family will join us in supporting CFC.  

If the church people truly wants to serve the “least of these” – whom Jesus urged the Church to make a priority, are they not the disabled or special needs too?

 Thanks for reading and becoming more educated on a topic that the Bensen family is passionate about- we are all about making a difference in the lives of all children.