I have not went public with any of my pregnancy blog yet. But on Sunday at church I felt led to make this one public even though it's not well written and choppy. So bear with me. The topic of Sunday's sermon was The Promise of the Holy Spirit. Everyone intererupts the holy spirit differently- to me it's the way Jesus lives in my heart. The verses our pastor used was John 14:25-31 and John 20: 19-23 which is the same verses that helped me get through a rather scary time recently. I encourage you to read them.
So here is my story of my encounter of the Holy Spirit (aka Jesus leading me) and Pregnancy
The first week of October I went to visit friends in Illinois. I was just starting my 6th week of pregnancy. My college roommate lives 2 hours south of Chicago in Champaign-Urbana and my dear friend Sonya who was celebrating her 40th birthday that weekend lives in Rockford about an hour north of Chicago. In my mind it was the perfect extended weekend trip. From the beginning of pregnancy --I felt good. No real morning sickness just tiredness. In my mind pregnancy was not really real because I wasn't sick aka throwing up so I called it my pretend/phantom pregnancy. Pregnancy can cause a person to have a lot of anxiety and fears. You are basically in charge of raising this thing called a baby but, you have no control over it happening.. Back to my story- I left Sara's on Friday afternoon to head to Rockford. It was about a 3 hour drive. I stopped to stretch in Bloomington. I walked around a few stores and came back to the car, sat down and began to bleed profusely. I knew from my other friends experience(s) what was happening. I was miscarrying. I went to Starbucks to change clothes and get a game plan. I dreaded calling my husband. Since we met he was game on for having another child. In that moment I felt like a failure. I text my friend Sonya and asked for hospital advice and called John. We decided I should get checked out since I still had a 2 hour drive. Plus I was not in pain just bleeding a lot. I knew from friends experiences there would be pain and possible surgery with miscarrying and I needed to see a doctor. So at 5:30 in the afternoon on a Friday, I walked into St. Josephs Medical Center. I was not strong. I was scared, alone and emotional. The lady at ER admissions was a saint. She put me in a private room immediately with a recliner and tissues. I prayed God- you know this baby and I trust you. Though if I was being honest Satan was in full attack. Maybe this is happening because of past sins. I know those things were not true but in my vulnerable state- it seemed reasonable. Maybe I am too old to have a healthy baby. (It was at this hospital I learned the term "geriatric pregnancy") Maybe this. Maybe that. Maybe everything. At some point I finally quit bleeding and was moved to an actual ER room and saw a doctor. We all agreed that I was more than likely miscarrying and we needed to make a game plan but, first we had to do some of tests to confirm. I said well if it wont hurt anything- I need a Dr. Pepper to get through this. The doctor said the dr. pepper wouldn't hurt anything. I decided if John could not be there I didn't want anyone else there. At this time, only a handful of people even knew I was actually pregnant. So, I texted my staff and asked for prayer since some of them were at a retreat. I also knew they would not ask questions. I laid there trying to understand what was happening. Test 1 came back and I was still pregnant. There was hope. I didn't expect that but, I knew that sometimes doctors gave you false hope in the middle of miscarrying.. I didn't want false hope. I wanted facts and reality. I laid there eyes closed and suddenly heard a choir singing:
When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well with my soul.
- Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ hath regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul. - I sat up and look around as the choir continued and thought this experience is totally out of my control. God, I am not begging you to save this child however, please keep Satan out of my head and this room.
- My sin—oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!—
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
This child is not mine/ours but yours.. and the song continues.. and the tears start coming again.. I prayed please give my husband this peace you are giving me.. tears of peace continued while the choir continued.... I also realized that this pregnancy is real and I love this little bean growing inside me. Something I need to realize at that moment.
- For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul. - But, Lord, ’tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul! - And Lord, haste the day when the faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.
I laid there when the next song began I Surrender All.. Okay God, I hear you. You are in control. I trust you. I now understand why people name their babies Faith, Hope, Miracle, Blessing et el..
The doctor returns and I ask - So, is there a choir or am I having an out of body spiritual experience.. He says smiling there is a choir here. And you have not miscarried and your blood Test showed your HCG levels very high.We need to see the baby with an ultrasound. So hours later-- I lay there with a lady who does not really give me comfort but, I know God is here.. I can tell there is not a heartbeat. (anxiety) I can tell there is a baby though. (peace) Not much more than that. (more anxiety) Some time later the ER doctor - important to note that because a OB/GYN would have been more helpful- says well, I don't know what's going exactly. But, you are not miscarrying and your baby measures at 6 weeks 1 day. How far along are you? I said 6 weeks 1 day. (more peace) God your sense of humor isn't lost on me. --
The doctor felt confident I could be discharge to a local hotel and get some rest and continue my journey. We later found out later that I had a Subchorionic bleeding (also known as a subchorionic hematoma). It healing on it's own. However, what I read online about it doesn't match my experience. (cue the anxiety) But again the Holy Spirit must have needed my attention. So today Charlie is now almost 22 weeks in the belly. He is active and healthy. I've learned that heartbeats are not always present at 6 weeks. It was a long 3 weeks till I finally heard the heart beat. And I still struggle with anxiety some days. And I know God has forgiven me for my sins and isn't threatening to harm the baby for my wrong doings. And The Promise of Holy Spirit lives with me. The verses in John 14 say:
15 “If you love me, keep my commands. 16 And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another advocate to help you and be with you forever— 17 the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you. 18 I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. 19 Before long, the world will not see me anymore, but you will see me. Because I live, you also will live. 20 On that day you will realize that I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you. 21 Whoever has my commands and keeps them is the one who loves me.The one who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love them and show myself to them.”
This pregnancy also has taught me about faith.. faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. While I haven't seen or touched him- I am certain the baby is there.. And whatever happens - John and I trust God to keep him safe. I have a feeling God is not done teaching me this lesson. I hope I can listen to these songs and verses and not be emotional in the future- but for now the pregnancy hormones / tears are out of control.
